Christ Demands More Money

Christ Demands More Money

JERUSALEM—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply criticizing His followers’ lack of generosity and demanding a marked increase in their contributions to the long-standing religion based upon belief in Him.

Enlarge Image Jesus Christ blasted Christians Monday for their decreasing financial support of Him. Christ said His personal revenue represents less than 15 percent of the world’s wealth in 1997, down 400 percent from its peak in 1025.

“Historically, I have asked for no more than 10 percent of the total earnings of my flock,” said Christ in a 25-minute statement aired on Christian television stations throughout the world, including Trinity Broadcasting Network, Eternal Word Television, and Cristo Telemundo. “But recent cost analyses by my accountants indicate that current donations from my believers are not at this level and are insufficient to meet my earthly financial needs.”

Christ underscored his point with an earning/expenditure chart illustrating that in the first quarter of 1997, He listened to an average of 233 million prayers per day while collecting daily revenues of $6 million.

“This works out to just two and a half cents per prayer, which barely even covers my overhead,” Christ said. “If this sort of fiscal imbalance continues, I may have to answer even fewer prayers in the future.”

“In my Father’s house are many mansions,” Christ said. “They are not cheap to maintain.”

Christ cited Warner Robins, GA, resident Willard Baines as a prime example of the sort of tight-fisted follower with whom He is frustrated.

Jesus Christ

“Mr. Baines owns a grain-and-feed business that takes in some $800,000 a year, thanks in no small part to his faith in Me. Yet, last Sunday, he put just a single dollar in his church’s collection plate,” Christ said. “If I am not mistaken, this works out to a donation of just .00010052 percent of his overall gross-adjusted income for the said fiscal period, a far cry from the recommended 10 percent.”

“He also lusted after his niece on two occasions,” the Savior said.

Christ assured followers that He still possesses a boundless love for all humanity and that those who accept Him into their hearts will know salvation and everlasting life in Heaven, but expressed frustration over the feeling that He has “not, in my estimation, been getting my love’s worth in return.”

“My love,” Christ said, “which passeth all human understanding and shines from the countenance of God our heavenly Father, shall be all you need and desire all the days of your lives. But I do need a reasonably decent budget to make that happen.”

Christ told followers that his ancient covenant with humanity—in which He shall act as the people’s shepherd, comfort them with His rod and staff, and shelter them all the days of their lives—is as good a value as they are likely to find anywhere.

“It is true that, in this era of downsizing and high prices, it can sometimes be difficult for a person to give unto Me 10 percent or more of their income, and still have enough left over for that new microwave or big-screen TV they’ve had their eye on,” He said. “But do not forget that it is almost impossible for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Christ’s most esteemed Earthly messengers are hailing Monday’s statement as long overdue. “I am pleased that Jesus has delivered this important message to the people of the world,” Pope John Paul II said. “The Catholic Church must begin collecting more money now if it is to continue to collect money in the future.”

Christians worldwide are already responding to their savior’s call.

“I guess I could live without a college education,” said Owensboro, KY, Christian and mother of four Brenda Williams, 34, who recently dropped out of community college after donating to her church over $1,500 she had saved for tuition. “Some of my science courses contradicted the word of God, anyway.”

United Nations Pledges $1.2 Billion In Indigestion Relief For U.S.

United Nations Pledges $1.2 Billion In

Indigestion Relief For U.S.

Gas-Bloated Americans Desperately Await Massive Antacid Airlift

Enlarge Image Operation Soothe and Coat

“There is great suffering in America, where every day people face the terrible pain of stomach upset, heartburn, and problem gas,” a statement released by the General Assembly read. “Most members of the global community, who do not have to live with the constant threat of massive overeating as Americans do, cannot even imagine what it is like. We can turn a blind eye no longer.”

Dubbed “Operation Soothe and Coat,” the massive C-130 airlift is expected to provide millions of American indigestion sufferers with cartons of precious, life-giving antacids by week’s end. Much of the $1.2 billion will also go toward emergency helicopter and truck mobilization, distributing alkalides to a network of temporary stomach trouble “crisis centers” set up across the American countryside.

“Help is on the way,” said Colonel Obiabwe Buna*!dab, wing commander of the Kenyan delegation to the international airlift operation. He said that although he had never been to America, he had seen much U.S. television and understood how much pain indigestion was causing the nation. “All men are brothers,” Buna*!dab added.

U.N. officials say the decision is a response to a recent study ranking the U.S. first in bloating and excess gas build-up, and fourth and second, respectively, in lower abdominal pain and diarrhea.

“Statistics show many Americans ‘pay for it later’ after a hot, spicy meal. It is shameful that in this day and age the Americans must go without the gas-absorbing medications they need,” one volunteer remarked. “We just want to do whatever we can to help them get better—one fizzy little pellet at a time.”

The organizational tasks facing the U.N. relief task force are daunting. Workers from every corner of the globe have been called in for special duty, mobilizing the relief effort and distributing the antacids as efficiently as possible.

“The key here is speed,” said Chile’s Salvador Aguilera, co-chair of the operation. “These people don’t just need relief, they need quick relief. They need relief with a capital ‘R.’ They need to ease the pain caused by heartburn and stomach upset immediately. Otherwise, they may have trouble sleeping. This can lead to additional problems, particularly if they have a big presentation at the office the next day.”

According to experts, it is not known how many people in America suffer from indigestion, partly because the number of unreported cases far outweighs the number that receive medical care.

“The actual number of Americans with digestion-related discomfort—particularly among the millions whose dietary staples include donuts, canned meat products and microwaveables—is staggering, probably higher than in all other industrialized nations combined,” said Mtume Mofeisi, president of AfriCares, a Rwanda-based organization dedicated to helping the overfed throughout the First World.

“Thank God for the U.N.,” said indigestion sufferer Bob Halloran, of Des Moines, IA. “I was terrified that no one would hear my cries. But at last, the pain is gone. Now I have no need to fear that my illness may result in decreased productivity at work.”

Halloran received a case of Mylanta Extra-Strength through Operation Soothe and Coat. “My doctor said Mylanta,” he added.

Despite the success of the relief effort thus far, U.N. task force workers stress that indigestion is only one of many problems facing America.

“Many of the Americans we’ve been trying to help are badly undersupplied with convenient snack food options,” said Carlos Santiago of Honduras, speaking from the U.N. relief camp based near Rochester, NY. “Lower back pain also continues to be a problem. And every day, we see thousands who have kitchen remodeling and television repair needs we are simply not equipped to address.”

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Nation’s Snowmen March Against Global Warming

WASHINGTON, DC-Millions of scarfless snowmen gathered in Washington to protest global warming, which has caused many of them to melt before their time.

WASHINGTON, DC—Braving balmy temperatures and sunny skies, millions of scarfless snowmen and snowwomen gathered in cities across the world Tuesday to raise public awareness about the heavy toll global warming is taking on their health and well-being.

Enlarge Image Snowmen from across the nation gather at the Washington Monument to protest global warming.

According to organizers of marches in Washington, Atlanta, Montreal, Berlin, London, Reykjavik, and Moscow, global warming is the primary cause of the steep reduction in the snowman population throughout the Northern Hemisphere. Demonstrators worldwide called on their governments to take more aggressive steps to reduce the effects of climate change.

Organizers estimated the crowd at more than 375,000, but D.C. Police Commissioner Charles Stacey estimated turnout at 30,000 whole snowmen, with scattered rounded abdomens accounting for an additional 5,000. Atlanta organizers and police agree that all demonstrators had melted by 11 a.m.

Joe Centigrade, president of the Advocates For Beings Of Frozen Precipitation, spoke at a mass rally Tuesday on Washington’s National Mall.

“The unseasonably warm winters of the recent past are a clear indication of a real environmental threat to humans and their frozen simulacra,” said Centigrade, his coals arranged in a frowning pattern. “As snowmen and snowwomen, we accept the inevitability of melting, but the actions of man are causing us to evaporate well before our time.”

Speakers at the Washington rally included a Chicago snowwoman who had lost three snowchildren to warm temperatures, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and Larry Chilly, formerly a 6-foot-tall, triple-segmented Muncie, IN snowman, who had been reduced to a slushy head.

Centigrade told the slowly melting snowcrowd that as recently as 15 years ago, the average life span of a snowperson built in late December was three weeks to a month. Today, that same snowperson has an average life span of two weeks.

Centigrade also recounted stories of once-jolly snowmen unable to keep their carrot noses in their fast-melting faces, and of others who were made of only two undersize segments.

“In many regions of New England today, there’s not even enough snow on the ground to make snowballs, much less a torso,” Centigrade said. “Instead, some snowmen are stuck together with slush and leaves rather than pure, white snow. We must take steps now to end their suffering.”

Bearing signs with such slogans as “You Can’t Build A Snowman With Rain” and “Winter = Life,” the crystalline-ice protestors, many of whom had chartered refrigerated tractor-trailers and ice-cream trucks to travel to the mass protest, complained that popular stereotypes about snowmen obscure and trivialize the crisis.

Enlarge Image Larry Chilly speaks out against mankind’s global irresponsibility.

“Humans sneer at us, ‘If you want to stay intact, go to the North Pole and live with Santa,’” said Susie Flakeman, a Thunder Bay, Ontario snowwoman waiting in line with hundreds of others to use a Porta-Freezer. “But less than one-half of 1 percent of us ever receive that honor. Most of us end up victims of the scourge that almost killed Frosty: man-made climate change.”

The protest was largely peaceful, disrupted only by a disturbing incident in which one distraught snowman hurled himself into the reflecting pool of the National Mall. He suffered third-degree slush on over 90 percent of his body before rescuers could recover him. He was rushed to a local meat locker where he was pronounced melted on arrival.

Some scientists refuted the snowbeings’ claims regarding global warming.

“Throughout history, the earth has endured periods of temperature fluctuation,” said Dr. Harley Morrison, a biochemist who has advised President Bush on scientific issues. “Also, there have already been several major blizzards throughout North America this season alone. I made a snowman myself, and he lasted for several weeks.”

Late word arrived Tuesday evening that the Moscow protest was violently dispersed by riot police bearing hot-water hoses and snow blowers. Moscow officials said the snowmen were illegally blocking pedestrian traffic near the Kremlin and causing people to slip and fall in their slushy wakes. Snow leaders, including Centigrade, condemned the crackdown.

“Those of us who remember the Icelandic anti-heated-sidewalk riots of the 1980s know that the powers that be despise and fear snowmen who fight for their rights,” Centigrade said. “They’d rather kill the messengers than face the fact that our ecosystems are changing irreparably. We’re prepared to stay in D.C. as long as it takes until Congress agrees to listen to our demands.”

Before he could conclude his remarks, Centigrade’s face slid off.

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