AllThingsLondon

Terrorist Has No Idea What To Do With All This Plutonium

ZAHEDAN, IRAN—Yaquub Akhtar, the leader of an eight-man cell linked to a terrorist organization known as the Army Of Martyrs, admitted Tuesday that he “doesn’t have the slightest clue” what to do with the quarter-kilogram of plutonium he recently acquired.

Yaquub Akhtar.
“We had just given thanks to Allah for this glorious means to destroy the Great Satan once and for all, when [sub-lieutenant] Mahmoud [Ghassan] asked, ‘So, what’s the next step?’” Akhtar said. “I was at a loss.”

The 28-year-old fanatic said he and his associates had initially assumed that at least one member of their group had the physics and engineering background necessary to construct a thermonuclear device.

“Many eyes were upon me,” said Basim Aljawad, whose knowledge of physics did not extend to the principles of nuclear fission. “I make nail bombs. That’s it.”

Not knowing where to turn, the eight men consulted the Muslim holy book the Quran, which proved unhelpful. Said Akhtar: “Even Umar Abd al-Malik, who interprets the ancient scripture more freely than the rest of us, could not find an instructive passage.”

Morale was temporarily buoyed when cell member Dawoud Bishr, a former student at the Sorbonne in Paris, was found intently examining the exposed plutonium, which he had lifted from its protective lead footlocker. Two days later, however, the others had to bury Bishr in a landfill outside the city.

Akhtar, in hiding in a small, spartan cellar in one of Zahedan’s poorer neighborhoods, said that the only use he’s found for the encased lethal substance so far is as a flat surface on which to lay out a map of a government armory outside Islamabad and a large piece of paper to make a blueprint for transferring the plutonium to an effective delivery system.

“I drew a circle to represent the plutonium,” Akhtar said. “Then I drew a line pointing to it, and beside it wrote ‘plutonium.’ After that, I just hit a wall.”

Akhtar and his associates initially planned to create a “suitcase bomb,” but soon after they obtained the plutonium, they learned that such bombs weigh over 700 pounds, and are therefore too heavy for any of them to lift alone.

Said Akhtar: “The only thing this weapon of mass destruction is destroying right now is our ability to kill infidels.”

“I have heard many in the corrupt Western media say that Muslim terrorists have acquired harmful radioactive materials that can be readily deployed,” al-Malik said. “Whoever this terrorist group is that’s all but ready to strike America with a nuclear device, we sure could use their help.”

Unable to search for bomb-making instructions on his laptop for fear of being monitored, Akhtar has been forced to send another of his sub-lieutenants, 23-year-old Ibraheem Jaalal, to a local Internet café in hopes of acquiring the necessary data. According to Jaalal, the process so far has proven “unbearably slow” and “outrageously expensive,” claiming he can’t believe the coffee shop charges $4.95 for an hour of dial-up-speed Internet use.

The cell’s lack of contacts with professional scientists and engineers has also undermined their bomb-building efforts. “A friend of mine at university studied metallurgy,” Jaalal said. “I have his e-mail address, but I can’t just write him and say, ‘Oh, hello, Suleymann, long time no see. Say, I’m a terrorist now, and I was wondering: How do you go about building a nuclear bomb?’”

After three days without progress, the plutonium, once a source of pride for Akhtar and the other men, has increasingly become a fountain of frustration.

“I guess we got carried away with the idea of making a nuclear weapon before thinking the whole thing through,” said Akhtar, who admitted that even if he “could bombard that plutonium nuclei with enough electrons, whatever those are,” getting the bomb to North America would prove another logistical mess.

“I still believe in taking the lives of American civilians as revenge for the atrocities committed on our brothers, our wives, and our daughters,” Akhtar said. “I’m just not entirely sure it’s worth a headache this big.”

We’re Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young
By Grey Claw Wolf

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.

I was roaming the forest the other day, just marking my territory, when what do I come across? That’s right, a human infant. Boy, was I pissed. I’m sure the poor little waif was orphaned in a plane crash or something, and, of course, I was supposed to take it into my pack and raise it like one of our own. Well, screw that: We’ve got enough humans to raise already.

We wolves have our own offspring to rear, you know. It’s not like we’re just sitting around all day, waiting for another one of your little twerps to fall off a cruise ship. Do you think that after a hard day of hunting, I want to come back to the cave and look after some hairless, wormy thing that isn’t even going to pass on my genetic information? Do I look like a fucking nanny?

If it were just a plane-crash survivor every now and again, I could deal with it. But when you figure in the whitewater-rafting disasters, the mountain-climbing accidents, and the attacking bears that kill the parents but spare the children, those orphaned infants really start to add up. I’m working my paws to the bone as it is.

And it wouldn’t be nearly so bad if your babies weren’t so helpless. Our pups are weaned and out of the den within nine weeks. A human child can’t even walk until it reaches 15 months. Fifteen months! Talk about pathetic: By that age, our young are having kids of their own.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter, but I have to speak up, or the situation will only get worse. I’m the alpha female of a pretty good-sized pack, and it’s hard enough finding, eating and regurgitating food for my own pups, much less a bunch of human children. I do my best to make ends meet, but your young are so picky it’s next to impossible. They’ll eat the partially digested berries I bring them, but they refuse to swallow the chipmunk meat I vomit into their mouths. If I injure a squirrel and put it in front of one of your young, the baby just lies there and wails at the top of its lungs for hours. Christ!

Then there’s the problem of basic hygiene. Haven’t you ever heard of licking yourself clean after you shit? How revolting. Our offspring instinctively know to wash themselves from the moment they’re born. Then again, there are a lot of things our offspring instinctively know.

I know what you’re thinking—we shouldn’t drag your infants back to the den in the first place, if all we’re going to do is bitch about it, right? After all, we could just send them out to start their own pack when winter approaches. To tell you the truth, we have driven a few of the more annoying ones out, but we always feel so guilty when we find their half-eaten carcasses a few days later. After the fifth or sixth time, it’s hard to act like you didn’t know it would happen.

Worst of all, in that rare instance when you do come to retrieve your missing kid, we don’t get so much as a thank you. No, you just grab him and race back to “civilization” as fast as possible, so he can unlearn everything we taught him about marking his territory and stalking prey. No wonder wolves have been known occasionally to attack humans—you’re a bunch of ungrateful bastards.

So the next time you lose one of your damn kids in the woods, you can forget about us raising it, because it ain’t happening. Let the fucking elk do it.

Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu

WASHINGTON, DC—As experts issue increasingly dire warnings of an avian flu epidemic, President Bush signed an executive order Tuesday authorizing the mass slaughter of “all bald eagles found anywhere within our borders.”

“As president, my first duty is to protect the American people, whether the threat is terrorists or deadly, fast-mutating bird viruses,” said Bush, standing on the lawn of the National Mall before a specially built pyre stacked with recently killed bald eagles. “This proactive initiative will rid our nation of this potentially disease-ridden winged animal.”

Bush added: “I want these birds rounded up, tied down, and their throats slit.”

Executive Order 1342A, which calls for the annihilation of the bald eagle, specifies that each carcass shall be wrapped in a single American flag, doused with gasoline, and burned.

The order, written by members of Bush’s Council of Advisers on Science and Technology, nullifies the 1973 Endangered Species Act and the 1940 Bald Eagle Protection Act. It will be overseen by the Department of the Interior, which will work closely with state natural-resource agencies and National Guard units to ensure that the bald eagle threat is eliminated.

“This order was developed with the help of my top science advisers,” Bush said. “We can all trust that their wisdom, manifested by this bold, eagle-killing initiative, will protect us from any deadly bird-related diseases.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will meet with the Canadian prime minister and Mexican president next week to discuss eradication efforts for bald eagle populations in their countries. The Department of the Interior’s deadline for bald eagle annihilation is July 4, 2006.

According to White House sources, Bush is adopting a hands-off attitude regarding the methodology of eagle slaughtering. Telling advisers that he would prefer that the eagles have their throats slit for “humane purposes,” the president said he is willing to allow wildlife officials to exercise their own judgment. According U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Director “Whooping” Dale Hall, the killing strategies are many and varied.

“Bald eagles may not be as imposing as, say, bears or wolves, but they are surprisingly difficult to kill,” Hall said. “We can blow them off their perches with air rifles, stun them with ball-peen hammers, or break their wings, beaks, and necks, but still, some survive.”

Hall continued: “I’m encouraging officials on the local level to utilize ‘certain kill’ methods, such as wrapping the eagle in radioactive waste and burying it upside-down in an old-growth forest.”

Hall urged Boy Scout troops to join in the effort by ferreting out eagle nests and smashing the eggs underfoot.

The FWS estimates the population of the bald eagle, which the Second Continental Congress designated as the national bird in 1782, to be roughly 20,000 in the lower 48 states, with an additional 35,000 in Alaska. Tuesday afternoon, the FWS elevated the bald eagle’s endangered-species status from “stable” to “severely threatened,” its most serious designation.

Administration critics have suggested that the president’s plan is too narrow in scope, and leaves Americans susceptible to contact with a wide variety of other dangerous birds.

“What about less prominent but far more abundant fowl common to residential areas, such as bluebirds, cardinals, or geese—shouldn’t they die, too?” said Democratic Party strategist Elaine Quigley, appearing on BC’s Hardball. “Benjamin Franklin once said that the wild turkey, not the bald eagle, should be the emblematic bird of America. Why aren’t we executing those, too?”

The Office Of The White House Counsel, which oversees the usage of all executive-branch insignias, is expected to approve a new eagle-free presidential seal as early as next week.
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